Being a great parent to our children is probably one of the most challenging tasks we must accomplish. Walking the fine line between what we wish to do, and what we need to do is an important job for our children to grow up happy, successful, and well-adjusted to society. There is probably nothing in the world we wouldn’t do for them, as we want them to be happy.
But there comes a time when a mom must say no (no matter how tough it is, and how it breaks your heart), when we must get them to the doctor for their check-ups, and to push them to do the things they absolutely dislike. We already know how hard life is as an adult, so we try to help our children as much as possible, and pamper them to our utmost ability in various ways. This results in a case of over-parenting, or a good intention gone wrong, a crisis that has afflicted our great nation.
The good thing is that somebody has taken notice of this ongoing issue and has recommended the necessary steps to righting this problem. Jessica Lahey and her book, “Gift of Failure” has been featured in NPR and an exchange with Julie Lythcott-Haims (author of How To Raise an Adult) showcases some valuable insights on this topic:
Can parents control what is happening to their children at school?
Lahey says: Imagine what would happen if you call a teacher and mention that you would like to provide increased autonomy for this class year. You won’t ask him if he’s doing his homework, and the teacher will be the one to hold the blame for his school mistakes. You will become a hero! The point is that we should let our own kids fail, mess up and make mistakes so that they can be stronger and learn. The hardest thing is to set that into motion.
This concept is so strange that Lahey herself found it hard to implement her own advice. Parents and child development experts alike might also find it impossible to implement whenever the house devolves into chaos. Hovering over your kid like a hawk and micromanaging their lives might be a product of love, and that is perfectly understandable. We, the parents may be guilty of the fact that we are more concerned about the finished product rather than the process of bringing up a child. We think that providing the correct answer is better than having them arrive at the right answer by themselves, that winning is everything. The truth is that the kids and parents are stressed out from all that micromanaging, and they are losing out on the opportunity of failing, learning from the failure and growing from experience.
There are many ways to foster autonomy and provide breathing room, but do you know what Jessica Lahey experienced as a kid, then later passed it on to her own children? They went to overnight summer camp. Jessica knew then that there was no better way to unplug from all those gadgets and electronic machines and instill a oneness with their natural surroundings and know more about themselves than the supportive environment of overnight summer camp.
The kids will be far from home, without cell phones or the eagle-eyed gaze of their parents. They will not be limited by the walls of their classrooms or test scores. The children can try new things that interest them without worries and fear of failure. They will have a united community of like-minded individuals, as their counselors and fellow campers can work together and help each other out. Overnight camp will teach patience and perseverance, something that is not taught in today’s “instant” society. The kids will learn to stick to one thing until they can master it. When they finally do, it is by their own skill and ability. Not the parents, nor the teacher, but their very own. The sense of satisfaction and the confidence that comes from that achievement will stay with them not just from overnight camp, but all throughout the rest of their lives.
We all know that as a parent, sometimes it is hard to let go. It is hard to see our child struggle, and more so with goodbyes and farewells. But if we wish to see their pride and excitement in giving their all in one thing, then we would need to do what’s right, and finally let go.
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